confession

the first time was false

i should’ve known better

that if you asked

it was because you did

but it became more of

if you stay i’ll stay

not

i feel this way

it’s okay

you don’t have to

at least now

it’s nothing but true

fool you are

the excuses you made on the other’s behalf

are no longer excuses

rather they are what you tell to console yourself

your story is your pacifier

and you’re too afraid to spit it out

depressed.

i trust no one yet share through a compilation of words on a screen. i don’t necessarily need a response.. or reassurance, just a way to get what i feel right before me. to make sense of it. a slight shift in a gesture or sentence leads me to think things have changed. that what was felt no longer remains. i never want to be comforted by what isn’t meant or be bound to another by pity. my inability to say any more and vagueness presses me deeper and deeper into the ground. i become paralyzed within when confronted despite wanting nothing more than to spew. if i get hurt, it wouldn’t be the first time. so don’t be afraid. the hurting, the sadness- remains forever.

shut up

 

you remember what you used to do to yourself

you remember what they did to you

but to the crowd you’re just standing

they see you standing

they look into your eyes

they see nothing more

they know nothing more

numb

i’m not anything. i can’t share a story. my words are futile.

but i remember every word. every word you say. and every word i can’t say.

artist

you haven’t seen yet you see

the picture

you’ve collected faces and every feeling

you know everything yet you know nothing

every lie repeated is the truth

and every truth told is a lie

but this portrait you’ve painted

is tainted by an old brush

the brush that smeared darkness in your tormented mind

one that shut you down and kept you down

and you find that every canvas you create on

tells the same story

drunken heart

truth

from which you seek the most abuse

you know you won’t love what you find

yet being the fool you are

seek and seek

with expectations as low as none

you hope

hope that you’ll proven wrong

but you’re never wrong

you see everything for what it is

but still you seem to take every hit

you pretend to be blind

because you think your time will come

when the truth is no longer abuse

but for now you accept every gut wrenching lie

and every smile and every tear

you’ll hold on as long as you can

with your heavy heart and broken lungs

kindness conceals all

for you find that this is the way things were meant to be

meant to be for you that is

that the happiness you dreamt of was but a bittersweet nightmare

never knowing when to stop

always at the point of shattering

yet every piece, you feel, will one day come together again

when you no longer have to worry

when you’re finally free

 

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